We all go through it in some way or another. Who can say they have had an easy life without any hardships? If you can say you have, then consider yourself lucky. I have not met a single person that can say that. I'm not going to sit here and say my life is miserable though.
It's not.
I have a job that I love. I have a car that works. I have a fully functioning body. Well, maybe minus my ear right now. However, I am confident that it will all work out for the best. Life is hard for all of us. If it wasn't for the bad, we wouldn't realize how good things can actually be. There is one thing that I don't quite understand. We all have a tough time at one point or another, so why do we take it upon ourselves to go out of our way to be rude to someone else?
Think about it.
That person you just honked at because they weren't driving fast enough. The man at the drive thru who messed up your order. Maybe even your coworker who just isn't quite doing their job. We all wear masks in our daily lives. In some way, shape, or form, we hide our insecurities from the world. What happens when someone taps into that insecurity? We become vulnerable. We automatically retract. Emotions rush through our veins.
Today was a unique day for me to say the least. As many of you probably know by know, I have the nappiest blonde wig in the world. Surprisingly, it looks just like Amanda Bynes' nappy blonde wig she sports throughout twitter and New York City. One night, I decided that I was going to be Amanda Bynes. I loved it. I love what Amanda has to offer me. It's a character I've continued to portray. I've been sure to post pictures all about social media getting various responses.
Rewind.
A man 48 year old man added me on Facebook recently. I didn't know the man, but hell, I could've met him one night while I was busy being Amanda. We had several small chats, nothing deep or personal. I saw some of his statuses on my timeline several times. You could tell that the things he would post were cries for help. One day he would be happy with himself, content with where he was at. The next day he would beat himself up, angry at what he was. He would always try and flirt with me on my statuses and photos. He once asked me "Mr. Baker. May I ask please. I'm 48. Please be honest. Am I too old for you?" I replied that age was just a number, which it is. He replied back "
You are so fucking beautiful to me. I just keep holding back from calling or writing because I feel like, what's the point? He doesn't wanna be with me." There was yet another cry for help. His insecurities were showing. I didn't want to reject him, because nobody likes rejection, so instead I tried to encourage him to do what he wants. "Well thank you, kind sir. Only thing holding you back is you." I would never want to make someone feel like that are less than what they are. It takes courage to tell the person you like that you actually like them, and I will respect anyone that does so. The next message he sent took things to a new level. "How committed are you to OKC?" I didn't really know what to say since I didn't actually know this man. "The only thing I'm committed to is an asylum I feel." "I'm really close to asking you to visit me down here." He went on to say he would pay for the entire thing. I could "stay a few weeks." He would "take me to Disney World because he knew I liked Disney." He would "pay for the travel expenses" if I would just come down there. I told him (still trying to be nice and not let him be hard on himself) that I was very busy with school and work, and that I couldn't afford to take off. I also told him that if I was to ever do anything like that I would have to really know the person and trust them, but since I had barely talked to him I didn't exactly feel comfortable. He then cut right to the point and asked me if I was interested in him.
Fast forward.
I love what Amanda has to offer me. It's a character I've continued to portray. I've been sure to post pictures all about social media getting various responses. One day, I posted a picture of me as Amanda. If you follow the Amanda news, you would know she wore a light blue wig to court. I didn't have a light blue wig, but a dark blue one instead. I wore it, and I loved it. This man, who has given me all the compliments in the world, posted on the photo "You make one beautiful man and one ugly bitch!" It was a joke. It's also true. If you've read my previous blogs, you would know that I don't attempt to be a woman. I really don't attempt to portray a woman. I just do what I like to do.
Be me.
I was headed to bed and I saw the blonde Amanda wig and something took over me. I immediately wanted to take pictures of myself.
I couldn't have been more wrong.
This hurt. This pissed me off. He is a stranger, but he has had plenty of opportunity to read and know that doing this is quite an insecurity for me. I decided how I wanted to approach the situation. I almost resorted to being an absolute mess and throw in a handful of curse words, but then I realized I'm better than that.
"I'm not entirely sure why you continue to put emphasis on the word man. I have a penis between my legs. I am well aware of my gender so there is no need for you to continue pointing it out. I appreciate the compliments but I ask that you refrain if you have to tack on my gender each time.
A Boy Who Likes Heels
Read that. If for some reason you have a problem with what I do and what I like to wear, delete me as a friend. I'll even do you a favor and do it myself if you want me to do so. For the record, this is Alex speaking. Not Amanda."
I immediately went over to delete this man as a "friend" on Facebook only to discover he had beat me to it. LOL, bye! I couldn't believe it. Things only got better.
"Alex, I did finally read that blogspot of yours. I can't in any way apologize to you for anything I posted because I sincerely feel that gay men who dress in drag are a weight, if not worse, to the daily fight we normal gay men make for our equality.
Honestly, people like you, who I'm certain do not vote, turn the stomachs and hearts of the American people away from Equality. While normal gays are fighting the fight out there in public media, we have to contend with our retarded little cousins who think we're all florists and pom-pom waving drag queens. What's even worse is when I see some men in dress who are horrifying enough to frighten small children...like I believe you do.
Alex, there was a time for us all, during adolescence, when we founds ourselves born with a male body and a female brain. I was 14 when I realized this. Being raised religious, I turned to prayer. "Jesus please make my penis into a vagina so the boys will want to fuck me". He didn't. About a year later, I reasoned that I'm a gay man, not a hybrid woman freak.
My suggestion is that you stop being a hindrance to the equality movement, put some goddam pants on and grow the fuck up!"
Okay okay. I had thought previously that this man must be crazy. However, once I read this my suspicions were confirmed. What is it this man has against me? Is it the generational gap? Is it because I turned him down many a time? What the fuck is this guy's problem? But wait, there's more.
"It's more disappointment than anything else. It wasn't sexual. You are a good looking MAN. You make a haggard, community-embarrassing spectacle as a drag thing. Honestly, you have the physical attractiveness to have gotten my attention but, I realize the vast difference in our ages. I was under no illusion. However, I can promise you two things: #1, I absolutely don't hate you and #2, Had I seen the drag thing up front, I never would have bothered you. You'll find that to be your life-long experience. Once they find out, unless they are girl-boy too, they'll run. Maybe they'll fuck you because you'll be desperate but, there won't be anyone serious because, you aren't to be taken seriously.
I'm just hoping I can get into that head of yours and help you to realize you are a man. Your friends might not have the courage to tell you but, you're a great looking man who is making a fool of himself with all that silly wig and makeup shit. I want you to be able to say, "Merréll, thank you for having the concern, courage and honesty to get me on the right path." If you logically filter it out, you'll discover your actions make NO SENSE. You're part of a community of men who are hoping to find a masculine man. If they wanted to be with REAL pussy, it's not that hard. Why would they choose fake pussy with a beard? There are no lover stories involving the bearded lady at the circus with the town's young, fine suitors. I just hope you come to understand how powerful you can be when you're a man, not a freakshow from the circus.
Hate you? Baby, I don't hate you. You're too young for me 2-to-1. I had a GREAT life and I'll share something with you here. I was a bottom in my two marriages but, I was also a man. You have SO MUCH potential.
Look, I feel the anger, resentment and sometimes rage you feel against straight society and their hateful "normal" standards. I get it. You want to give them the middle finger. Well, you can do it like a low-class nigger in the hood, which is the equivalent of what a white drag queen is, or you can do it by taking them on at their on standard and surpassing them. Wearing all the shit or wearing your pants down around the bottom of your ass is the same social rebellion. Is it helping the cause? NO. Quite the opposite.
Finally, I find you too educated, too intuitive, too hopeful for real love to not say something. You have youth on your side...for now. Stop wasting it. Nothing would make me happier than to see you successful, happy and wealthy. I swear I mean that. I don't blame you for not being interested in me. I've got more work to do on me. I've been threw a lot. Also, I'm 48. You deserve someone masculine, young, beautiful and destined for success. You will never find him doing that shit! "
This man has gone completely against everything I believe in and stand for. I began to think that he was just trolling (troll: a person who sows discord on the Internet by starting arguments or upsetting people) me. It ruined my day. I was brushing my teeth and looked at myself in the mirror. It was in that exact moment that I decided that this man had put so much negativity into the world. It was in that exact moment that I decided I would not allow him to do this to me, or anyone else. Then, magic happened. I received another message that morning. It was from a classmate of mine back in high school. I haven't spoken to her since, and she is a very religious person. I could only imagine what she was going to say.
"One of the things I have always admired most about you is that you're so very brave. Please don't ever stop being who you are no matter what that means. I happen to think that you are wonderful and beautiful 100% of the time whether you were a tuxedo, or stilettos. I don't think you know yet the impact you will have on the world, but it's going to be profound."
Magic.
Then, a different female messaged me. "hey.. i saw what all just happened on your page and i just had to message you and thank you for being such an awesome person and not letting people get away with that kinda talk. It makes me feel like there is hope in the world that not everyone is a giant jerk. I hope the rest of your day goes awesome. It made my day when I saw what you said.. because as a person with very low self confidence sometimes, i would have probably just gotten upset and never said anything. what you said showed me that its okay to stand up and be myself... and if people cant accept me it's not my fault. it's pretty much changed my outlook on things for the better"
Now the story changes. I suddenly felt validated. I suddenly felt like me going through that was only so I could help someone else out. There are a few morals to this story I would like to share. First and foremost, you never know how much of an impact the words that you say can have on someone, good or bad. Next, the generation before me, be it gay or straight, still have like minded qualities. It will take us to be ambassadors to truly show "the new normal," even if it means we get some criticism along the way. Lastly, we must stop going out of our way to be hateful to other people. The world is cruel enough without the human race helping it.
My brother is my closest confidant. He knows every struggle and challenge I face. One day he sent me a picture. This picture is so very powerful, but not because of the image. It is because of the words. I will leave you with a picture of my own, along with those powerful words. In closing, to the world I say nothing will stop me from being me....or Amanda for that matter.
To be great, you have to be willing to be mocked, hated, and misunderstood.
stay strong.
